The lighthouse

May 14, 2024

There was a YouTube video about an old lady living by herself in a lighthouse.

It appeared a lighthouse was a difficult thing that required a lot of care and attention every single day. It also took some planning to deliver necessities there and back. 

She's been living there for a very long time and looked very peaceful. She's been one of my inspirations in life since then, and even though I don't have a lighthouse just yet, I'm renting a nice little apartment in a good area where I can have some rest and do my work and studies. Keeping it as tidy as I can without obsessing over it. Having some plants and posters even - a thing I never had before. Having things of my favorite colors, which have always been considered boring for everyone, but which I love. Setting everything up the way I like. It feels like a luxury.

Some people can claim their space instantly - put their things where they want, setting things up immediately, turning on their music out loud. 

I was always living in my head, and everything beyond that was not something in my control. I could protect the worlds in my head, and also my digital space, but couldn't do the same for the physical environment, for a very long time. So, it was easier to just not have any. Now, I'm slowly figuring out it's okay to spend 15 minutes replanting Monstera or doing something else at a house. There is a good chance no one will come and destroy it immediately with their actions or words, so it's not like I'm wasting time. 

It's okay to take a longer time doing something - I live alone now, and no one will scream to hurry up. It's okay to laugh when watching something funny - no one will rush into my room screaming that they're tired, and my laugh is fake.

I still don't like listening to music in speakers most of the time though and prefer headphones. 

Still, there is progress. It may not look like much, but it's there.